The Assertiveness Companion helps you communicate your needs to other people and say no to requests that you don’t want to or can’t do. It shows you how to use assertive language in your communication so you can say no while still respecting the other person. This exercise is for anyone that has difficulty saying no to requests or feels like they have to please others all the time.
Great for:
- People pleasers who struggle to say no.
- People who have suffered from burnout.
- People who take on too many tasks or responsibilities.
In our daily life the people around us, both at work and in our private lives, request things from us all the time. Not all requests are feasible or in line with our values and priorities.
However, in many cultures, saying NO to someone else’s request is thought to be selfish. So sometimes saying YES but really wanting to say NO becomes the rule. When this becomes a pattern, other people’s needs become locked into our subconscious mind as our priority over our own needs. Because of this habit, we might tend to say yes way too often and reduce our level of assertiveness when it comes to stating our own needs. I call it “the juggler syndrome” and I had it once too before I realized that what I was doing wasn’t good for me. I was saying yes too often, even taking up things which were not my responsibility because I wanted to be accepted 먹튀검증업체.
A juggler typically answers with “yes”, “sure”, “why not”, and “of course” to requests that are clearly overwhelming or not manageable, like an impossible deadline from a boss, or those friends always asking to be driven somewhere, even when they can do it themselves. It is normal to want to please people we like. However, by always accepting these requests, enormous distress and resentment can grow inside the juggler. It can also lead to these other consequences:
- Poor time management: Because jugglers please everyone else first, time flies and they will struggle to get their own work and tasks finished. This then leads to stress and anxiety.
- Guilt: If self-care is considered selfishness in their culture or family circle, and therefore discouraged, jugglers might feel guilty for not taking care of others first. This guilt imprisons the jugglers by making them feel like they always have to say YES.
- Confusion about values and loss of personality: A juggler usually doesn’t know his/her values. Because those values coincide with someone else’s priorities, the juggler’s personality gets lost. If the habit of following others’ priorities becomes the rule, the juggler might lose perspective in what truly matters for him/her.
- Poor boundaries: Jugglers find it difficult to set boundaries and figure out what is an acceptable request and what is not. For example, if a boss gives you impossible tasks and you always say YES, the Moon becomes the limit. You keep doing things that aren’t in your best interest and you might end up suffering from burnout.
The solution and the coaching technique!
You can overcome the issue of saying YES when you want to say NO. It is possible! Feel proud of taking this first step.
Step 1: Identify your YES pattern
Take a pen and paper and write down with absolute honesty:
1. Three situations where you have said YES during the last month, but you really wished you could have said NO. Observe, for at least 3 minutes, how those YES’s made you feel.
Example: I was very tired and my friends knew it, but they insisted I drive them to that party. I stayed there until 3 am even though I didn’t want to.
2. If you could have said NO, what would you have said? Write the exact words for each situation. This will help you practice the hint of a NO in preparation for being more assertive.
Example: I would have said: “Hey, I am very tired. I’m going home and we will party another day.”
Step 2: Transform your language
The way we communicate what we want is a key to being more assertive. People might not always agree with our choices, but being assertive with our language will help establish a clear NO.
Example 1: Let’s assume you wished to have said:
“No, I can’t pick your friend up at the airport, since I have my dancing class at the same time”.
What about transforming the sentence even more? Try this:
“I would be glad to help. However, I have my dancing class at the same time and this is like therapy to me. I cannot skip it this time. Thank you for understanding.”
“I would be glad to help” = This shows your interest for the request.
“this is like therapy to me” = Here your logic for saying NO is undeniable and your need is expressed.
“Thank you for your understanding” = You ask the other person for compassion.
Example 2:
“I am sorry, I cannot do the presentation within 24 hours. I am missing data, but if you really want to, maybe I can do a draft.”
Let’s transform it:
“I can certainly make a draft of the presentation. However, the details missing will make it incomplete. Timing does not help either in making it outstanding. What about doing it for next week and have the complete data and the presentation polished?”
“What about doing it…?” = This suggestion shows your proactiveness towards the task.
Example 3:
“Sorry, my house is a mess right now. I cannot host the party even if you want to help me clean. Too stressful!” What about:
“You know I love throwing parties. I am quite tired this week, though. I would appreciate if you could consider doing it at yours. We can find another solution/location if not”.
“I am quite tired...I would appreciate if you could consider doing it at yours.” = This sentence establishes firm boundaries and you have no apologetic tone.
Step 3: Use assertive body language
If you’re transforming your language in the steps above and other people still don’t accept your NO, then go to your mirror and practice this assertive body language:
Torso up, arms relaxed.
Imagine looking at the other person in the eyes, in a natural way.
Clear your voice and let the words come out in a higher pitch than usual.
Speak out loud the sentences you created in step 2.
You can’t control other people but you can control your body language.
Tips for coaches:
- At the beginning the client might resist Step 3 of the exercise, because it can be quite tough to role-play on their own. Suggest a role-play between the two of you.
- Encourage the client during the whole process, either when they do the exercise on their own or during the role-play.
- Have the client vocalize every word properly. Encourage eye contact.
- Repeat the process.
- Go deeper with the client. If your client is a juggler, they might try to please you too, and not practice on their own. Check progress on a weekly basis.
